My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
