Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
