Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
