apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
