Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
