Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
it's like iHOP with fire
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
