My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Sober January is a disaster.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
