No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have grass duct taped all over my body
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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