i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
