it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
