The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
