oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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