I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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