I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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