I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
