Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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