Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
