Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
