She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
