Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
