that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
