She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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