You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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