so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
