Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
