the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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