Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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