dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
