the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
