last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
