pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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