fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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