But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Still dying that you shit outside
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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