She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
