I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
