my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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