Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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