Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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