i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
