So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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