life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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