: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
