I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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