I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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