don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
