did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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