I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
