i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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