My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
