She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
