the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
