I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
