I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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