first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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