I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
