i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
