my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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