I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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