i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
